The conversation guide

As parents, guardians, carers, family members, teachers, coaches and role models, we want the best for our young people. We want them to have rich experiences, healthy relationships, and opportunities to shine. We want them to understand right and wrong, to respect others and themselves.

We can all have a positive influence on young people and set the standard for what is and isn’t acceptable, right from the start.

Together we can:

Our young people should be free to explore and develop who they are without the pressure of fitting into rigid or unfair expectations about gender norms.

We want them to live in a world free from violence. 

Even though most Australians think gendered-violence is wrong, we don’t always recognise where it can start i.e. with disrespectful language or behaviour. Sometimes we don’t understand the ways violence, including non-physical and online violence, can show itself or how to recognise it. We might feel that because we don’t witness physical violence in our own neighbourhood or communities that violence doesn’t happen, and it’s not our problem.

Before we can talk about disrespectful behaviour with young people, we need to take a moment for honest reflection about our own biases learned from our experiences growing up.

This can mean confronting our own beliefs about gender roles and expectations, and how we influence young people. We might be surprised to recognise some of the most common ways we excuse disrespectful and aggressive behaviour. These include:  

What we think and do becomes normal for us very quickly, so it can be hard to challenge ourselves. But if we don’t challenge our thoughts and actions about gender roles and what’s OK, we might unintentionally be excusing disrespect, aggression and potentially violence.

Our young people can misunderstand what we say and see it as an excuse or permission to behave in a certain way. If this continues to happen, nothing will change.

When we talk to young people about disrespect it’s important to be clear about what is acceptable, and model this ourselves.

Read more about this in The Excuse Interpreter.

Disrespect and harmful behaviours aren’t always easy subjects to discuss.

As parents, carers, and family members, you never know when you may need to talk about respectful behaviour both online and offline with the young people in your life.

By thinking through what you believe, what you might say, and how you can have positive conversations, you will feel more confident to make the most of each opportunity.

Be ready to talk early and often

You might be in the car, making dinner, watching television, or walking the dog. Be prepared to talk when you see or hear something you are uncomfortable with, when your child asks a question, or when they just want to chat with you.

Try to take advantage of opportunities that come up in everyday situations, so that ‘difficult’ conversations become normal, and the young people in your life know where you stand and that they can talk to you.  

Be curious and look out for openings or invitations into their world and ask questions. This helps keep the lines of communication open.

It’s important to address disrespectful behaviour quickly and calmly. Explain why their behaviour was disrespectful and how it made others feel.

Think of examples

You may find it helpful to illustrate your points with examples from television, the internet, or other situations you have observed together. For example, if you hear a comment in a news story that a woman who was hurt by a man shouldn’t have been out on her own, you could use this to talk about inappropriate views that women are to blame. Or, you may have seen a viral video online that suggests women should ‘obey their partner’, that you could use to talk about gender roles.

Teach by example

As a parent or carer, you are an important teacher for the young people in your life. Every day they watch you and listen to you. What you say and do influences their attitudes and behaviours. That’s why it is so important to think about how they could interpret your actions and attitudes.

No one expects you to be perfect. The important thing is to be honest and consistent. You could even use personal examples when discussing how not to react to certain situations. This will help you be a positive role model for them.

Stay connected

Young people engage in a wide range of online activities and experience many benefits from using the internet. The spaces where young people talk to and interact with their friends online changes rapidly.

You don’t need to be an expert in the latest technology but it’s important to understand what platforms they are accessing. Ask them about what is trending on social media and who they’re engaging with online but avoid excessively monitoring or restricting their online activities.

This will help you to understand what they are being exposed to.

When to get involved

Talk through how young people can handle situations themselves. Ask them if there are other trusted adults they can speak to like a teacher, counsellor or other family members. If you feel you need to intervene, discuss with them what you might do and why. Even if they say they don’t want you to get involved, if they are at risk of harm then an adult must intervene.

Kids Helpline has more information about helping kids handle conflict.

We might be concerned about raising issues that will worry or scare young people. We might not want to make a situation worse, or express opinions that could lead to conflict with others.

It can be hard to start a conversation that could affect our relationship with our children, cause shame, or make parents seem hypocritical.

Having the confidence to get started can sometimes be the hardest part. These suggested topic areas and conversation starters will help you take that first important step.

You don’t need to have all the answers, but gathering information about the topics you think are important and practising your answers can help when talking about complicated and difficult issues.

The eSafety Commissioner has more information about the hard-to-have conversations.

The Line has a range of resources for parents and carers.

Listen to them

Remember that a conversation is about listening as much as talking. What a young person tells you provides an important insight into their thoughts and feelings. Listening helps you to understand the attitudes they are forming and to respond to specific issues and challenges they are facing. As a general rule, try to listen more than you talk.

Be honest

Let your children know that these aren’t simple issues. Apologise if you realise there have been times you have not been respectful. Acknowledge that you don’t have all the answers, that you are learning too, but that you do know it’s important we treat others with respect and that others respect us. Explain that we should not excuse behaviour that is potentially hurtful or harmful. Talk about examples when you have felt uncomfortable when hearing disrespectful comments and ask them if they have examples to share.

Language

Use, and encourage your children to use language that is inclusive, rather than patronising or derogatory towards others. Language can offend, intimidate, belittle, exclude, and reinforce harmful stereotypes. When inclusive language is used it can make people feel included, valued and empowered. 

Like anything tricky or challenging, these conversations will become easier with practice.

Conversations about respect are difficult to have with our children, but they are important. It’s a way of checking in with them and offering advice as their attitudes and behaviours change over time.

Then, when they face disrespect, they know there are options, and they know there are different ways they can react. They know they can come to you to talk about it or ask questions.

As parents and carers, we have the strongest influence. This is multiplied when we work together with other people who are influential in our children’s lives such as other family members, teachers, coaches, managers, and religious and community leaders.

Reach out to your community, including other adults and parents you trust, and bring up respect. It can be helpful to connect with a network of people to get different perspectives and share ideas about how to engage with and support young people.

By positively challenging attitudes and behaviours, and setting a good example, we can prevent gender-based violence before it happens.

There are information guides available from the Resource Hub to help you learn about the issue of violence against women and ways to talk about it with the young people in your life.

Support Services

This page offers a range of support services that can be contacted if you need support or think you might be at risk of experiencing violence.

The Line

The Line encourages healthy and respectful relationships by challenging and changing attitudes and behaviours that support violence. The Line is funded by the Australian Government Department of Social Services. It is delivered by Our Watch.

Student Wellbeing Hub

The Student Wellbeing Hub is a one-stop shop for information and resources on safe school strategies to assist teachers and school leaders, students, parents, specialist professionals supporting students and pre-service teachers. 

eSafety Commissioner

eSafety is Australia's independent regulator for online safety, educating Australians about online safety risks and helping to remove harmful content such as cyberbullying, cyber abuse, and intimate images or videos shared without consent. The eSafety website has many resources and tips for keeping children safe online and reporting online harm.

Say It Out Loud

Say It Out Loud encourages members of LGBTQ+ communities to have healthy relationships, get help for unhealthy relationships and support their friends.